So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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