youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Randomize
