ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
