I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
