So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
high people should be assigned attendants
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
