someone threw a dead crab at me
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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