You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
