I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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