Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
