guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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