I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
