I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
