2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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