My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
