i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
True strength comes from lack of pants
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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