I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
We need to rekindle our bromance
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
