woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
