why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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