New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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