I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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