I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
