hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
