I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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