Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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