just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
