I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
