my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
