you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
