if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
