Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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