When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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