if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
lets start a swedish sibling band together
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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