I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
