There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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