Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
