easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
