Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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