Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
