my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
