I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
MIDGETS
????
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
