Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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