You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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