Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
