Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
