it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Dicks are not precious.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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