I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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