I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
