i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
