If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It's shark week go big or go home
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
