I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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