checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
